With February, the littlest month, headed back to its burrow for the remainder of the year we find ourselves predictably heading towards March, bumping into it all Hugh Grant-like and mumbling awkward questions about “Awards Season” and such. Like many Marches before, you’d be tempted to think what with all the attention going on Oscar and The Awards that any films making their début appearance at this time of year will be some kind of dreck that doesn’t want to get noticed. But you should go notice. Oh yes. Behold all the things you should notice this coming month:
Grand Budapest Hotel – 7th March
The Wes Anderson-verse hits it’s logical singularity this year with EVERY ACTOR EVER taking part in his ludicrous tale of charming hotel concierge Gustave H (Ralph Fiennes) and his equally-brilliantly-named lobby boy Zero Moustafa (newcomer Tony Revolori) as they are chased across ‘Wes Anderson presents Turn-of-the-Century Europe’ for the sake of a priceless painting. It’s probably the most Wes Anderson thing Wes Anderson has ever done. Just wrap your peepers on the trailer if you don’t believe me. Wes Anderson.
300: Rise of an Empire – 7th March
Hey! Did you like ‘300’? Do you like unnecessary sequels? Do you like people aping Zach Snyder’s aesthetically stunning, yet shallow directorial style? Do you like things going in slooooooo-ooooooo-oooooow motion for suddenly no reason? If you answered yes, well then hold onto the part of you most likely to fall off in surprise because all of those things are happening again! A gaggle of unknown men made of muscles try and bring some shouty Greek-themed violence to Eva Green’s Persian navy general Artemisia. Lena Headey (Cersei from ‘Game of Thrones’) also shows up for reasons.
Need for Speed – 12th March
Yay! Aaron Paul from ‘Breaking Bad’ finally gets to be the lead in something! Yay! It’s a major motion picture based on a world-renowned IP! Oh no! That IP is videogame franchise ‘Need for Speed’! Run Aaron Paul, run! Or, y’know, drive, Aaron Paul, drive! Personal opinion aside, if you need your fix of not-Jesse-Pinkman-any-more and prefer it done to the ‘vroom’, ‘whoosh’ and inevitable ‘ker-ash’ of cars going really fast into and past each other, then this will do admirably. Just don’t expect much more.
Under The Skin – 14th March
What happens when you take the director of ‘Sexy Beast’ (Jonathan Glazer) one of the world’s leading people in “looking pretty while doing absolutely anything” (Scarlett Johansson) and wrap them up in a sexual science fiction thriller set in Scotland? According to leading researchers in theoretical film postulation, you get something a bit like this. Johannson plays Laura, an unnervingly enigmatic woman who abducts hitchhikers for reasons you can’t say in front of your mum.
The Zero Theorem – 14th March
If, like me, you think ‘Brazil’ and ’12 Monkeys’ are two of the greatest films of all time, sci-fi or otherwise, then I have startling news that you may not be ready for. Terry Gilliam’s made a new one. Yep. ‘The Zero Theorem’ stars a shorn Christoph Waltz as Qohen Leth (don’t try to pronounce it), a minor computer genius whose efforts to find out the meaning of existence are hampered by his authoritarian government. Or something. I’ve watched the trailer dozens of times and I’m still baffled. Just… just go watch it for yourself.
Veronica Mars – 14th March
I’m going to admit straight up that I never saw Veronica Mars while it lasted briefly on our telly boxes, but from all reports, like most telly from the early-mid 2000s, it was top quality culled before it’s time. Now Veronica (Kristen Bell) after years of not-being-a-teenage-private-investigator is, uh, forced into being a private investigator again, this time to save her old beau Logan Echolls (Jason Dohring) and all within a movie run-time. Hm. If you’re a Veronica Mars fan, this is surely catnip to your ears and/or eyes.
Labor Day – 21st March
The newest movie-shaped cake from Jason ‘never made a bad movie’ Reitman (‘Juno’, ‘Thank You for Smoking’, ‘Up in the Air’, ‘Young Adult’), or should that be Jason ‘never makes the same movie twice’ Reitman? Whatever his convoluted nickname, his latest stars Kate Winslet as Adele, a depressed single mother sort-of held hostage with her son by an terrifyingly imposing escaped convict (with arms like tree-trunks), Frank (Josh Brolin). Suffice to say, things don’t stay that clear-cut for long.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier – 28th March
The Marvel-verse expands that smidge bigger with the next outing for everyone’s favourite embodiment of American values. Or at least olde timey American values. ‘The Winter Soldier’ finds dear ol’ Captain Steve ‘America’ Rogers (Chris Evans) trying to uphold truth, justice, liberty and so on in the grimy world of 21st century bureaucracy. Throw in robo-supervillains, jetpacks and exploding sky fortresses and I’ll be damned if Marvel Studios don’t keep them coming.
Muppets Most Wanted – 28th March
‘The Muppets’ was probably the most heart-warming thing that ever happened in 2011 ever, ever, so the idea of a follow-up with Ricky Gervais did start up the uneasiness engines. But this is The Muppets for crying out loud! Even their worst movies were brilliant in their own, Muppety way. This time everyone’s favourite frog, Kermit, is replaced by an international super-criminal look-a-like forcing the gang to clear his name and bring said super-criminal to justice. Expect location-hopping (pun intended), hundreds of cameos, more Oscar-worthy show tunes and fart shoes. Because they’re never getting old.