There have been innumerable Junes throughout history: ’60s television starlet June Lockhart, self-appointed “epitome of bland middle-class sitcoms” Terry and June, June Sarpong MBE and naturally, June 2014. The question we find ourselves pondering at this point, however, is what the flipping Christmas will June 2014 be known for? Can it fill the matriarch role of classic American television? Can it dominate the British media despite rising alternative comedies? Can it even serve as a face for youth-focussed broadcasting and charity work? Or will it be full to the brim with films to soak up with your eye nuggets? I’m going to err with the latter, mainly because of all these:
22 Jump Street – 6th June
It ever-so-slightly frazzles my melon whenever I remind myself that the 21 Jump Street reboot is also brought to us by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller of The LEGO Movie and Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs fame. Frazzles like a cheap-but-delicious bag of crisps. So anyway, Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum are back for more charmingly juvenile antics as undercover officers Jenko and Schmidt who are moving up one building on Jump Street and simultaneously straight into college. If Phil Lord and Christopher Miller’s track record is anything to go by, despite the sequel-y nature of this particular film, expect only the best kind of things. Like Jonah Hill being sexually assaulted by an octopus.
Grace of Monaco – 6th June
There was a time when most people of a certain age would make pining noises about a hypothetical film all about one Grace Kelly. These were mostly older people, but man would they wax lyrical about the fairy tale that was Grace Kelly’s ascension to the Monegasque royalty. Well they need wax no more as someone finally did it! Kinda! Grace of Monaco sees Nicole Kidman’s titular Grace deal with rising tensions between herself, her husband Prince Rainier III (Tim Roth), and the threat of a French invasion of Monaco. Which apparently are all things that actually happened. Thank you last-minute Wikipedia search.
Oculus – 13th June
If you casually mention to a passing nerd that Katee Sackhoff of Battlestar Galactica and Karen ‘I-really-should-change-my-name-to-Amy-Pond-from-Doctor-Who’ Gillan are going to be in a film together, it would be wise to shield your ear drums from the imminent and surely-damaging excited squeal. Then you’d best mention it’s a horror film about a spooky, cursed mirror and watch their face sink. That said, the trailer’s got some pretty neat beats in it and it’s always a pleasure to see Sackhoff and Gillan bring their genre experience to something new (for them) but familiar (to us).
The Fault In Our Stars – 19th June
I always slightly dread the term “based on the best-seller” as it in no way indicates any bearing on the quality of the film in question as it does the backlash it’ll receive if it tries to make the narrative of said best-seller in any way more digestible to the medium it’s being transferred to. Still. Based on a book that done good, The Fault In Our Stars sees Shailene Woodley’s Hazel Grace Lancaster fall for fellow support-group-goer-er Augustus Waters (Ansel Elgort) and despite their youth and respective irreversible conditions they face it all together. In love. Or something disgustingly saccharin like that.
3 Days To Kill – 20th June
Ahem * adopts Hal Douglas’ voice * Ethan Renner was the best the CIA had, until ONE DAY he found out his time… was running out. Now he must take ONE LAST ASSIGNMENT to save his life and protect his family, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE. From the director of CHARLIE’S ANGELS, THIS MEANS WAR and TERMINATOR SALVATION. Kevin Costner. In. 3 DAYS TO KILL. Rated PG-13.
Jersey Boys – 20th June
When was the last big Broadway adaptation? Seriously, I can’t remember. It wasn’t… was it Chicago? It feels there should be more of these kinds of films given the rise in popularity of Broadway musicals these days, but mayhaps we’re just overdue. In any case, Jersey Boys is the stage-to-movie adaptation that many have been clamouring for, mainly those who saw Jersey Boys the show. Clint Eastwood directs a gaggle of mostly-unknowns and Christopher Walken in the rise of inevitable fall of Frankie Valli. Dare yourself not to sing along/do really bad Christopher Walken impressions. I couldn’t even make it through the trailer.
Chef – 25th June
John Favreau must be pretty damn pleased with himself. I mean, if you (possibly accidentally) got the whole Marvel money train a-rollin’ and reignited Robert Downey Jr’s career you could just sit back and watch the lauds and profits swan up to the door of your no-doubt expensive house. So consider me bamboozled to hear he’s making a little film about food, his Ratatouille if you will. Then again his film does have him making food porn with Sofia Vergara and Scarlett Johansson. Notice the use of the word ‘food’ there. Please.
Cold in July – 27th June
Michael C. Hall in a mullet. It’s kind of hard to get past an image such as that, even when it’s being dangled in front of a series of scenes that look like the kind of thriller that uncontrollably leads to somewhere dark and violent, with pulsing ’80s electro noise in the background. Cold In July sees pretty much just that, with the shots being called by Jim Mickle who directed the American version of Somos Lo Que Hay (‘We Are What We Are’, for those who can’t speak/read Spanish). It could be a damn tight snippet of cinema, but dang that mullet, though…
Mrs Brown’s Boys D’Movie – 27th June
I’m not a fan of Mrs Brown’s Boys. Despite my objections to the contrary the show has been rather popular and thus the almost-inevitable film rears its snaggle-toothed, cross-dressing head. Nothing against cross-dressing or snaggled teeth, I’ll have you know, it’s just a turn of phrase. If you’re a fan of the show and its foul-mouthed lead then I’m sure you’ll muster the effort to see how Mrs Brown tries to save her fruit stall from evil bureaucrats. Or something. Man, I’m not really selling this one that much am I? Curse my permeating bias!